Cynicism
by Touch of Gray
Summary: Maybe it's all for the best. [Part one, Ashe learns to let go. Part two, Balthier escapes his past, again. BalthierAshe, an unhappy, if realistic, ending.] Formerly 'The Worth of Nothing.'
1. the worth of nothing

**the worth of nothing**

She sees him once, in passing, out of the corner of her eye - a glance and an instant, and maybe a strand of Fran's hair and a whiff of his cologne. Just a maybe, just a guess. By the time she looks up, startled and nervous and a little bit scared, there's nothing to see except a few normal people milling about and a Bangaa checking his pockets for missing change.

She sees him once, and knows that he is alive.

It almost hurts more than believing he's dead, because all she got was a glimpse.

--

She receives a letter from Basch every week, every Saturday at promptly 11 o'clock in the morning, because that is when the post comes. Even if there's a sandstorm, somehow the post always reaches the palace at exactly 11 o'clock and every Saturday there's a letter from Basch, detailing what's going on Archades, if she should get herself involved, and the occasional footnote from Larsa.

Every now and then, sometimes twice a week, sometimes not for six months, she'll receive a letter from Penelo. These are usually far more entertaining than anything Basch can come up with, even counting the letter detailing Larsa's thirteenth birthday party and the drunken Zargabaath's antics (he serenaded an old woman and only stopped when she threw a shoe at him). Penelo tells her all sorts of things, like the fact that Al-Cid helped them sneak out of the Royal Palace of Rozarria because they left shaving cream all over his brother's bed, or the fact that she finally convinced Vaan to put on a shirt, only to have it promptly drenched in a sudden rainstorm and then torn on a candelabra while trying to escape the rain.

Penelo tends to ramble in her letters, which makes her smile far more than it should (particularly at the illegal bits), because no one ever talks to her like she's just a person (or, more importantly, a friend) anymore. It's always, "My Lady" this and "Your Highness" that. Not Ashe. Always _Ashelia_. She half-wishes that she'd just given up, run away, and let Uncle Halim take regency in Dalmasca. She half-wishes she'd left and never, ever come back.

One day, seven months after Bahamut crashes, she receives an unmarked letter in a familiar hand. All it says is_ look up_.

She doesn't. She won't.

--

She sets the ring down, and doesn't pick it up again for days. When she does, she looks at it, weighs it in her hand for a moment, and considers the words - found something more valuable. She stands on the balcony holding the ring, and in one fluid movement, turns her hand over and watches it fall out of sight onto the streets below.

It's a pretty piece of jewelry, but keeping it never brought Rasler back, and giving it up did her more good than wearing it ever did. Keeping it now is useless.

--

One day, Penelo and Vaan show up unexpectedly. Penelo has with her a rather pretty skirt and top, which she presents to her as gifts from "The Royal Family Margrace of Rozarria" and then grabs her hand. Vaan smirks mischievously and says that Ashe looks way too sad for her own good.

Penelo drags her back to her own room, shoves the clothes in her arms, and tells her, "Get dressed. We're leaving."

Not for good, mind you, she says, but for today. The world won't end because the Queen got ice cream with a couple of sky pirates. At first, she splutters and protests and uses a lot of big words that she sincerely hopes Penelo doesn't understand, but the younger girl puts her foot down. "We're gonna get you some mint chocolate chip ice cream and haggle overpriced jewelry from grimy Seeqs and remind you just why the palace is about fifty kajillion billion times better than the streets. Oh, and Balthier says hi."

So she goes, partly because she doesn't want to hurt their feelings, partly because she really does want to leave the palace, and partly because she really thinks she might see _him_ in Rabanastre.

And she won't admit it to either of them, but mint chocolate chip ice cream tastes ten times better when she's eating it with sky pirates in the baking heat watching street performers paint her face than it ever did in the palace walls. They're so good, really, Vaan and Penelo. She honestly thinks they deserve better than what they've been given, and she wishes she could give it to them.

But she doesn't say any of this; instead, she laughs and pays the painter and watches out of the corner of her eye for _something more valuable_.

--

One year and eleven months after Bahamut's crash, she receives another unmarked letter with the same words - _look up_. She stares at the words for a long time, before tearing it up into as many pieces as she can, because even though it's his handwriting and it smells just like him, she can't believe that he would send her nothing but a letter with only two words.

Sometime after midnight, though, she walks out to her balcony and looks up. An airship flies away, and she can't shake the feeling that she's somehow missed her chance.

She also can't shake the feeling that maybe it's all for the best.

--

One year and eleven months after Bahamut's crash, Ashe cries.


	2. the cost of everything

**the cost of everything**

He sees her in the market and keeps walking, for reasons he can't - or won't - explain. It's been months, it's been so long, and he's got everything he needs - Fran, a working set of wings, enough money to make life easy for now - everything that's been enough for as long as he can remember, only it suddenly isn't. Fran is a wonderful partner and a great best friend, and his _commandeered_ ship isn't as good as the _Strahl_ but will do until Vaan is finished paying for the inevitable repairs, and money never goes amiss when in his pocket, but -

But it isn't enough, and a tiny part of him misses her. Misses the bickering, the way she'd throw things at him when he annoyed her, the way she would smile at him when she thought he wasn't looking. He misses her.

And she's in the market, surrounded by the usual Royal Entourage and he watches her for a long moment, then picks a Bangaa's pocket and leaves, _willing _himself not to turn around. Looking back never got him anywhere before, and if being a sky pirate has taught him anything, it's that moving ahead is the only way to survive.

--

He finds himself in the Royal Palace of Rabanastre.

It's midday, and the Princess is anywhere but here - he half-wishes she were so he could taunt her like old times, but then he remembers that she still thinks he's dead. He's tempted to snitch a few gems, but something within him balks at stealing from her, at least not while the _Bahamut_ is so fresh in their minds. Eventually, he supposes, he'll return and rob her blind - because that's what sky pirates do, and princesses aren't immune, no matter how pretty - but he can't bring himself to take anything now.

So he leaves a note, just a couple of words jotted on a peice of paper, and leaves again, pockets no fuller than before (Fran glances oddly at him as he passes, but doesn't say anything) and wonders whether or not he can expect to see her anytime soon.

She never leaves her room. It isn't until dawn begins to break that he realizes he never expected her to.

--

In the streets of Rabanastre, a year after Bahamut's crash, he finds a familiar ring and decides to explore Rozzaria for a while.

--

He finds himself again in the Royal Palace, with the same problem as before.

This time, it's evening, and he knows where to find her. He thinks that if he simply snuck past the guards and waltzed into her room and woke her up - Anything could happen. But her room is well-guarded and he's in no mood to fight them, and besides, she's had no contact with him for almost two years, and rumor has it, Al-Cid is courting her (which stings just a little, though he'll never admit it). He walks right up to the young, acne-covered man standing outside her door - the boy stands straighter, and Balthier suddenly feels a little old - and hands him the letter with a smile and a flourish.

"See to it that the Lady Ashe receives this. There's no need to tell her who it came from." The guard stares at the letter blankly, mumbling about _but I am supposed to personally check every peice of correspondence to her majesty, because _- but he's gone before the boy looks up.

He doesn't expect an answer, but waits anyway.

--

One year and eleven months after Bahamut's crash, Balthier leaves Rabanastre for good.


End file.
